Monday, January 31, 2011

Recovering isn't an Easy Thing...

Recovering is not easy. Okay so this is truly a Duhhh statement, but I didn't expect for it to be so difficult. I thought I'd make a promise to myself and withhold that promise....But I failed to remember my insanity- or rather this raging, crazy voice inside my head telling me to hate myself. 
I relapsed today. Binged and purged. I thought that I was completely done with that. After my nightmare of my pearly whites falling out and turning to little brown nubs (probably the most impacting dream I've ever had) I promised myself I would NEVER make myself throw up again. But it's like I threw everything out the damn theoretical window and decided to break my vow. I am so sorry for my poor body, my vessel I should treat with the utmost care- since it's the only one I've been given and it has to last me a while. 
I still have hope. I'm still on that road of recovery. Sure it's winding and steep and scary and long but not impossible to take. I'm determined to take this jounrey to health. Weight doesn't matter anymore. Size is absolute. The essentials, the lone essentials are my health and happiness.
And cheers to that. 

I can't say I will never do IT again, because who knows what, excuse my language, shit can happen inside my confused mind of mine  But I sure hope I will never allow myself to get into that situation. I need to listen to my heart because it's screaming at me to get better.

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